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working

Denouement

by Myg on May 15, 2009

This is going to be quick as 1. it’s Friday and who the hell reads blogs on Fridays? 2. my sinuses are frakkkkkin killing me for some reason today. Could it please just rain already? and 3. I really need to do some work. The kind I get paid to actually do.

So I had the big meeting with my boss yesterday afternoon, and it went great.

I explained our situation – that Alex is trying to get a position for the fall, and if he gets it, I intend to quit and be home with the kids as the cost of daycare for two babies is astronomical. I’ve since learned that I may be able to hire a nanny to stay with the boys for less money, which is an option I’ll keep in mind. Though I don’t know how easy it is to find part-time nannies who can work different days of the week, as my work schedule has to remain fairly flexible. And I haven’t quite figured out a system to screen out the trick-turning, crack dealing, booze stealing, child beating freelance child care workers.

Nothing against the vast majority freelance child care workers, though. And obviously, hiring in-home child care is a great solution that works for lots of families.

So when I explained all of this to my boss, she was more than understanding. If anything, I think it relieved her of the stress of trying to find new funding to keep me employed. At the same time, she indicated she wanted to keep me connected to the University – she didn’t want to lose me.

I have to tell you, that made me feel really, really good.

She also was worried about what would happen to us if Alex couldn’t find a position, particularly our health insurance. Isn’t that crazy? Like someone in an employer position would worry about us as a family?

So she rattled off a bunch of possible opportunities with the department that may be coming up in the fall. I reassured her I had a back up plan, and that by mid-summer we’d have a better idea of how Alex’s job hunt was going and whether we’d need to revisit our current strategy.  She said “good” and gave me a look that said, okay I won’t worry about it until then, but at that point, I’m going to worry about it again.

She’s a good boss. Really, the best kind.

I feel good today except OMFG MY SINUSES.

This wasn’t short, like I promised.

It never is.

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While biting my nails…

by Myg on May 14, 2009

So, the meeting with my boss where I was going resign was pushed back to 2:30pm.

This shouldn’t be such a big deal, only excepting that it is. On so many levels.

I am really thankful to all of you who’ve written privately to me or commented about this. I have observed, very interestingly, that nearly everyone who weighed in on this is a working mother. I don’t know if that’s a coincidence or not, but I’m going to go with the theory that working moms are the ones who have the strongest feelings about this issue.  And I want to point out the sacrifice that working moms make to support their families on the financial front as well as the home front is no small thing. And this may be sexist and unfair, but I believe moms who work make the bigger sacrifice than dads who work.

I’ll explain why as soon as I have a reason. Right now I only have a gut feeling.

Let me also say that I whole heartedly support and agree with women who work, whether by choice or by necessity. I hear ya. I really do. I am in your boat right now.

The issue for me is that I don’t want to be here, and I’ve come to recognize something about myself over the years and that’s this.

If I follow my heart, even when my head tells me I am crazy to do it, I will be okay. If I follow my head when my heart is wrenching inside my chest, I will not be okay until I align my life with my heart.

I am terrified to let go of a good position. I feel stupid, on so many levels, to do it.

But my heart is wrenching inside my chest, so I know I’ve got to change what’s going on here.

Please, wish me luck.

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The fine line between bravery and stupidity

by Myg on May 13, 2009

So, I am thinking that I will tell my boss tomorrow that as of the end of the summer, I quit.

It’s something that Alex and I have long discussed. It’s something I really, really want to do. Only problem is, my job is our only reliable income right now, and our means to health insurance.

See the problem?

Alex has taken the teaching certificate exam and has applied to about every school district in the county for a position. He’s working to get his thesis finished so he’ll have his MFA in the fall. But he’s got no actual job leads as of yet and hiring season for schools ends somewhere around the end of June. That’s just a few weeks away.

Right about now, you may be wondering why I don’t just keep my job until he finds one, and then quit.

The reason is that I work on grant-funded projects. That means when there’s funding for the grant, there’s a job. These grants happen to come from the State of NJ, and the State of NJ is in deep trouble with its budget this year. My grants run out at the end of August. To get my funding renewed in September would take no small amount of maneuvering by my boss and my state contact.

I really, really love my boss. She’s a great person aside from a great boss, and she’s already stressing out over finding me enough work to keep me on staff so I keep my salary and benefits. And so far, I’ve just been all, “Uh huh, yeah, I plan to keep working. I need the money. I need the health insurance.”

But deep down I feel guilty, because I’ve known all along that if Alex gets a job, I’m going to quit. And if I quit, finding someone to do what I do will not be easy, because it’s a super tight niche kind of job, and not a ton of people want to work part-time, like I do. So telling my boss I plan to stick around and then ditching after she’s gotten a grant would be bad form.

So then, why don’t I just work and if Alex finds a job, stick the kids in daycare for three days a week (the days I work)?

Do you know what it costs to put 8 month old twins in daycare for 3 days a week? About $450 a week. That’s about $1800 a month. That’s a mortgage payment. I’d be working 70% of my hours for health insurance and daycare alone. That would just piss me off.

So then maybe Alex should forget teaching and be a SAHD? The thought has crossed my mind.

But.

Alex is trying to launch a new career right now, and he did not go through graduate school to stay home and change diapers, not that he minds doing that at all. In fact, he’s doing it right now as I type this (from work, my bad) and he’s doing a phenomenal job of it. But, my god we went into a ton of debt so he could do this graduate program. And he put all of that time and hard work in so he could be out there doing something he loves to do, largely so I could be home raising our kids. Because that’s what we both wanted.

I have a career, but I don’t give much of a rat’s ass about it anymore. It is a perfectly nice career, don’t get me wrong. With it I’ve been the primary breadwinner and at times the sole income provider. I’m proud that I’ve kept us well enough provided for. I can keep going. I can keep working. I can keep this job going, or go back into private practice, and/or ramp up my training/consultation business. I can make money, yes, I can, even in trying economic times.

But.

My boys are babies now. They need me now. They’re growing up so fast, and when this time in their lives is gone, it’s gone forever.

So here’s my dilemma.

We are in TRYING ECONOMIC TIMES, right? (See previous mentions of “clusterfuck of life timing” here and here.)

If one were so very lucky enough to have a great part time job with full benefits, vested pension, make-your-own hours that was 15 minutes from one’s home, that could possibly continue with some maneuvering, and if one loved one’s boss on top of it, why oh why would one even consider leaving?

Especially when

a. one lived during TRYING ECONOMIC TIMES

b. one had an unemployed spouse

c. one had new twin infants and was in dire need of health coverage?

God, when I lay it out like that it seems INSANE to quit.

But. It bears repeating.

My boys are babies now. They need me now. They’re growing up so fast, and when this time in their lives is gone, it’s gone forever.

Forever.

And it’s that forever part that makes me think, yeah.

I’m going to quit my job tomorrow.

morning

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