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pregnancy diary

Well, this is it.

by Myg on January 21, 2010

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This is likely my last pregnancy entry, as I’m going to be induced in a couple of hours.

I am feeling quite an eclectic mix of things right now. Scared, yeah. Excited too. Like I’m about to walk off a cliff, too.

I’m not focused on the pain as much as the unknowns. I know it will hurt. I have no idea how much or how I’ll tolerate it. Hopefully I’ll tolerate it just fine with a few pharmaceuticals.

My biggest fear is how the boys are doing and how’ they’ll do during the process. I pray that they tolerate it well and that their bodies are developed enough to have a good start to life.

I am very excited hold them in my arms.

I am a little sad that this very, very sacred time of carrying life inside me is coming to a close now.

But I also know this. It’s time.

Last entry in my pregnancy diary, 1/21/09

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What’s inside

by Myg on January 18, 2009

This is a picture of Bing. 3D ultrasounds are cool, eh? I wish I had a picture of Doot but he wouldn’t face the camera. This is from 33 weeks and 2 days.

I’m holding steady in the hospital. So far any preeclampsia symptoms I have don’t seem to be getting worse. Blood pressure has been up and down, usually down in the morning and up in the evening. Protein in urine on 24 hour screen is still at 400. Blood work done today is all normal.

Don’t think I’m going home though I had two dreams they discharged me.

If I get to 35 weeks (which will be Wednesday) I think they may talk about inducing me. I think I may be okay with that.

We’ll see.

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Waiting for you. Week 34. Hello, Preeclampsia. Not so nice to meet you.

by Myg on January 15, 2009

I’ll pay for this, trust me. I’ve got my wrists splinted (once again, DeQuervain’s tendonitis in both wrists is the reason), and I am still in pain. But I just have to write today.

As of yesterday, I have crossed the 34 week threshold with both boys and myself mostly intact. I wanted to scream with the relief I felt, seriously. The intense worry about preterm labor over, I felt a sense of power and accomplishment that’s hard to describe. WE MADE IT!

Then last night I got the call with my lab results from a 24 hour urine screen. My results were by no means devastating, but far less than ideal for my taste. See, I have had a lot of borderline symptoms of a lot of things throughout this pregnancy, and the most recent of these scares has been preeclampsia. Of all the problems to have when you’re pregnant, preeclampsia is one you really don’t want. It’s not that its unmanageable, it’s just that it’s potentially very dangerous (if it goes undiagnosed/untreated) and it can sneak up on you. Meaning, I could go from very mild symptoms to very serious symptoms in a matter of hours.

That said, if you’re going to get it, you want to get it at this stage, when you know you can deliver and your babies will have a relatively good chance of having a perfectly normal life. Because delivery is the only cure for preeclampsia.

What is preeclampsia? From the preeclampsia.org website:

Preeclampsia is a disorder that occurs only during pregnancy and the postpartum period and affects both the mother and the unborn baby. Affecting at least 5-8% of all pregnancies, it is a rapidly progressive condition characterized by high blood pressure and the presence of protein in the urine. Swelling, sudden weight gain, headaches and changes in vision are important symptoms; however, some women with rapidly advancing disease report few symptoms.

Those of us pregnant with multiples, have anywhere from a 20-30% chance of getting it.

As for me, I haven’t been terribly symptomatic of preeclampsa, but then I’ve been on bedrest – which is one of the main management strategies for mild preeclampsia. Even so, on bedrest I’ve had issues with my blood pressure fluctuating from normal to borderline high (130s/80s – high for me), protein in my urine and sudden weight gain (7 lbs in 10 days).

And hello, here’s another lesson to you about vigilance in your medical care. Last week during my doctor’s appointment, I was the one who noted the sudden change in my weight gain (usually I gain about a pound a week) and the consistent issue with trace and +1 protein in my urine. I noticed this when the nurse left my chart open on the desk. I was reading it while waiting for the doctor. The doctor, (who I seriously think is about 29 or 32 years old at the oldest), NEVER said anything to me about any of it. She’s not a resident or a fellow. She’s an attending. Since she didn’t bring it up, I didn’t ask because I figured it didn’t matter. But it was nagging at me all weekend.

I went into Labor and Delivery on Sunday night when I was worried I might have sprung a little leak (I didn’t think I needed to come in, but I called and as soon as you call, they make yoy come in). Because this had been on my mind, I brought it up to the attending there as an aside. She thanked me for mentioning the weight gain and ordered the 24 hour urine and some blood work.

Why? Because 20-30% of women with multiple pregnancies get preeclampsia, and I had multiple risk factors (over 35 years old, pregnant with twins is a double whammy). So OF COURSE if I was exhibiting the above tendencies, the doctor should pay attention and order further labs.

For those who are interested in this kind of thing, my results for the 24 hour urine were protein of 400 (400 what? mg? I don’t know, because they never told me and there’s just so much you forget to ask). It should be under 300. While 400 is not terribly high, the doctor told me it was “borderline.” Bloodwork was all normal, but my blood pressures are labile and borderline, my protein counts are borderline, everything is borderline. I suppose that’s better than definitive, especially since I am getting the close monitoring regardless. But I want to be in the, “No WAY do you have preeclampsia” range. And that’s just not the case.

As I was writing this I just got a call from the doctor who ordered the 24 hour urine. They are admitting me for observation. Why? Well, a couple of hours ago I felt like my feet were feeling a little puffy. I asked Alex if he thought my feet looked at all swollen and he said yes, a little bit. Right after that, the nurse from the OB/GYNs office called to answer some other questions for me and I told her about it. She said, “Don’t freak out about that – that’s not a big deal. I looked at your labs and your chart and your protein count is not that bad – we don’t know that it’s preeclampsia. If you face or hands swell, then come in. If you get a persistent headache that won’t go away with Tylenol, come in. But for feet, we’re not that worried about it.”

“Are you sure?”

She was. But then just now I got a call from the doctor, who says because I have some swelling in my feet the team decided to admit me to the hospital for observation. So I guess it’s a bigger deal than she thought. How big, I can’t say.

So I’m now waiting for Alex to get home (and honest to god, he never really goes anywhere but of course – of course – he went down to his mother’s house to get me a blood pressure cuff and isn’t around). After he gets home I’ll shower, get dressed, get my bag together and go over to be admitted.

Keep in mind, if my boys had to be delivered now, (which so far they do not), they have every chance of a good normal life as anyone. They will need more help right after they’re born, yeah. But they are big, strong, healthy, moving, and breathing. Yes breathing, or rather practice breathing since there’s no air in there.  I am told this is a very good sign.

I’ll try to update as I can from the hospital.

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Waiting for you. Weeks 29 & 30.

by Myg on December 19, 2008


Waiting for you. Weeks 29 & 30. from Myg on Vimeo.

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Waiting for you. Week 28.

by Myg on December 8, 2008

At some point last week I lost track of the days. I didn’t know the date and I had to ask Alex what day of the week it was. At first I thought this was a bad sign that bed rest was driving me into a meltdown, but then when I thought about it I didn’t quite know. Maybe free floating in time for a little while isn’t so bad, especially when the last 28 weeks have been an intense marking of days resulting in no small amount of stress here and there.

Even so, be assured I was completely aware when we all reached Week 28.

It was last Wednesday, 12/3. Two days after my last ultrasound and check-in with the OB/GYN and all was well with us. It was some point after that, but before I started to feel fairly ill that I found myself totally unaware of what day it was.

Then Friday night I began to feel sick to my stomach and got a headache. I had no appetite. A couple of Tylenol took care of the headache, but I had a really tough time eating. I wasn’t sure what to think of this. I hadn’t been anywhere to see people I could catch a stomach bug from. I do know later in pregnancy women lose their appetites because there’s not much room for the stomach. With twins this is obviously going to happen earlier. But it seemed to happen suddenly, with no improvement on Saturday or Sunday. I just didn’t feel right.

Then mid-Sunday morning the contractions started again. About four an hour, not regularly (like one in 10 minutes, 20 minutes, 15 minutes, 8 minutes, 30 minutes, etc.) which is supposedly okay, but I had just had a good week with hardly any contractions all day on most days. So the onset of this was unnerving. And the contractions were a little different. Some of them were painful, crampy. The kind they said to look out for.

I’ve read that nausea, diarrhea (oh yeah, for your daily dose of TMI, I had that too) can be early signs of labor. Plus I was having the contractions and they went on and on from about 11 am until around 5, which was when I finally broke down and called the on-call service again.

“Come in,” they said. Of course they did. They always want you to come in. “It’s the only way we can tell anything.”

I am getting really tired of pelvic exams, by the way. But two – yes two – last night showed that my cervix is indeed still closed and thick. The first pelvic they did soon after I arrived so they could do another Fetal Fibronectin test (fFN). The resident said, “How do you feel? You’re not contracting at all.” Well I felt great when I heard that.

But after the pelvic, guess what? I was contracting a whole bunch.

“We’re going to start an IV for fluids.”

No, you’re not. If I’m not going to have surgery, and you’re not planning to give me IV meds, you are NOT giving me an IV. Sorry. I mean, why do they even want to give me an IV for that when I can drink?

“Okay, I’ll bring a pitcher of water.”

Great.

Another ultrasound showed Doot and Bing to be totally fine in there, though Bing has flipped around from head down to transverse. Ouch. I asked the doctor if that much movement could have triggered the onset of the contractions. She said no. I didn’t believe her (she’s one doctor there I don’t like all that much, which is pretty good given that there are about 72 doctors I’ve seen there so far).

My fFN came back negative, though. That’s another 7-14 day insurance policy against pre-term labor. Three residents, a medical student, the doctor on call and the nurse all came in to tell me. No shit – six people. Three of them remained to give me a second pelvic exam, “Just to check your cervix to be sure the contractions aren’t changing anything there. Hey (lackey medical student), can you go get my maglite from the other patient’s room?”

It was still the same, and I am not at all certain the second pelvic wasn’t just practice for them.

Is it me or are pelvics getting more intolerable?

“We feel comfortable sending you home.”

Good. Fine with me.

I am back home now and see my regular OB/GYN tomorrow. Of course, I am with a group that has 743 doctors so the only thing regular is the office space – not the physician. I am still not feeling great, but not sure now how much of it is mental. Am I contracting? Sometimes. I’m trying to just ignore it unless it’s super obvious. You can get pretty stressed out with this stuff. At least I can. Even when you’re supposedly doing okay.

I’m already tired of the hospital, and I’m sure I’ll be there again and again before the big day comes. And as helpful as it is to write, I confess it’s hard to blog when you feel sort of shitty all day. Though for whatever reason I still feel like it’s important. To me, at least.

Now, let us not forget there are two babies inside of me growing and growing. It’s week 28 and the boys are:

  • through the 28 week hurdle, which is a huge deal when you’re worried about pre-term labor. 90% of babies born at 28 weeks can survive.
  • 2.3 oz (Doot) and 2.5 oz (Bing) each and continuing to grow. I thought those weights were fairly kickass, but then I saw this chart and realized that they are merely average. That’s okay. I know their spectacular specialness will shine in other ways. And in pregnancy, I think it’s good to be average.
  • are opening and closing their eyes. But you’ve got to wonder, what can they see in there? It’s gotta be fairly dark, especially under the covers most of the time.
  • still kicking, after all these weeks.

As for me, the above has covered most of it. But a few other things to mention:

  • Colostrum. I’m not going to say anything more about that, other than it was one of my “what the hell is that?” moments last week. If you don’t already know what it is and truly need to know, go here.
  • Mood. Was feeling pretty good last week when the contractions had subsided. Not so much this week with an upset stomach and all. It’s like a dingy damp cold towel has been wrapped around my brain and I can’t get it off. It’s absolutely no damned help at all that “general malaise” is often cited as a precursor to all kinds of terrible pregnancy problems, like HELLP and/or pre-term labor.
  • Alex put up curtains in our bedroom to block out the light so I can sleep during the day. I love that man.

As badly as I want Doot and Bing to hang in there for the next 10 weeks and go to full term, some days I feel so done with this pregnancy stuff. It’s little things that I miss being able to do, like go for a walk or hey, how about out of the house to someplace that’s not a medical facility? I now have too much fear about every little thing I feel in my body and I am a lot more frightened of giving birth than I let on.

Can I say all that and not feel like a jerk? Because when you’ve overcome infertility to get to this point, sometimes you just feel ungrateful voicing those feelings. I swear, I am not ungrateful.

I’m just tired. And worried.

And I know, I know. “Get used to it – you’re about to be a mother.”

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Waiting for you. Patiently. Weeks 25, 26 & 27.

by Myg on November 26, 2008

I’m home now.

They sprung me last night when one of my doctors, another high-risk Maternal Fetal Medicine (MFM doctor) decided to do another Fetal Fibronectin (fFN) test. “Let’s just see,” he said. He was curious if my last test could have been a false positive. I was curious too because you know, I just had this feeling. I don’t know what it was. Something about the look on the resident’s face as he wielded the swab. I didn’t quite trust it.

Last night at around 6:30 the new fFN test came back negative, which is a 98% insurance policy against preterm labor in the next 7-14 days.

“Pack up – you’re going home,” they said. I so wasn’t expecting that. Luckily Alex had just brought me sweat pants or I would have been leaving the hospital in my bird jammies. But I would have left just the same.

Monday night I started a different medication called Indomethacin. It’s sort of like strong Advil. You can only use it for about 48 hours or else you start to have risks for the babies, but this medication actually seems to work – a lot better than Procardia. And I haven’t had any side effects from it. So my contractions stopped. Two hours at different times of day, on the monitor, with nada, zip, nothing from my cranky uterus.

“Have you been feeling any contractions?” they asked.

See, here’s where it starts to get frustrating. What I thought I’d been feeling as contractions were often not picked up in monitoring. Or, I’d feel nothing at all, and they’d tell me they’d picked a few contractions up. So now I don’t really know what I’m feeling. That doesn’t help.

My plan? Do NOT to over think this. Last time my body was acting in a troubling way I knew it and I called the doctor. This is me, trying to learn to trust my intuition – something I’m normally really bad at. But I think my intuition has been pretty spot on during this pregnancy. So I’m not going to obsess over every little twitch. Not with a 98% assurance that things are okay for now.

So, this was quite the tricky pregnancy diary update. I tried starting it a number of times in the hospital and as you can see it’s a late getting here. Not that I couldn’t blog, mind you. But blogging specifically about the boys’ development and my wait for labor was so close to the epicenter of my fear for the last several days, it wasn’t a real go-to blogging topic.

But we’re alright now.

And hey guess what? I’ve been calculating my weeks wrong, so when I was writing these updates all along I thought I was a week behind where I was. As of today we have finished 27 weeks worth of gestation. That means last week was week 27 and now we are crawling to that magical 28 number – the point in time when 90% of babies born prematurely survive. This is key given the last couple of weeks.

Here’s the package as of last night:

Funny, for a month’s worth of growth it doesn’t seem so dramatically bigger than week 23, does it? But it is bigger, that I can tell you. And so are they.

In the past couple of weeks, the boys have:

  • grown to about just over 2 lbs each, according to our last ultrasound on 11/20. Not too bad for twins, if I do say so myself.
  • been flipping around in there like two-pounder circus fish, if there was such a thing as circus fish (there isn’t, right?)
  • fully developed hands, which I am certain they’re using to spar with each other in utero
  • fingerprints and foot prints
  • begun to recognize my voice. Too bad it’s not giving them something more compelling to listen to besides “Alex?!?! Can you ________ ? (get me some water, let the dog out, throw this in the laundry, etc, etc, etc.“

And what’s important to note, according to Mayo, if babies are born at 27 weeks they have about an 85% survival rate. I don’t like to think morbidly but after 5 days in the hospital worried about such possibilities, I couldn’t escape it. So there it is.

As for me, well you probably know all that’s needed about the last few weeks from the previous few entries, but I’ll share some belated wisdom:

  • I KNEW I should have been out of work earlier. I knew it because of my back pain, which I bitched about endlessly here from week 21 on. I really thought the degree of pain I was having was not right, and I am kicking myself that I wasn’t more assertive about going out of work sooner. On the weekends when I could lay down every time I started to feel uncomfortable I had little back pain. Every day I had to stand or sit for longer than an hour I had problems. The contractions both times started the day after I’d been to work. I explained this to one of the doctors after the first hospitalization, but still she said, “Let’s put you out at 28 or 30 weeks.” I should have said, “Uh, no dear, I know how I feel and I’m not going back.” Let that be a lesson to me. Especially since work didn’t care one iota about me coming back.
  • I didn’t mention it, but I am on strict bedrest now. And after less than 24 hours of being home, I’m staring at the walls of my bedroom going, “Damn, this room needs to be painted.” Nesting instincts are a piss poor match for strict bedrest. I can get up to go to the bathroom, take a quick shower and downstairs once a day. Not going to get a lot of nesting done in this context. “Alex, can you please paint the bedroom?” No, seriously, he’s got enough to do.

Thanksgiving will now be here. Everyone wants to visit, which is really nice. But I will be horizontal and Alex will be frantically putting the house in order today to receive said guests on short notice. I am not sure but I think he gets the raw end of the bedrest deal. I think a nice invite for him out somewhere tomorrow with a plate of leftovers for me might have worked a little better, but oh well. Thank god he’s a good sport and has a better sense of humor.

And anyway, I’m still totally psyched for turkey, and all the more so with my dog at my feet drooling at the chance for dropped crumbs. (Okay I admit, not all of them are accidental.) But I’ll have to work on Alex to get the whole “afternoon tea” thing down.

    { 6 comments }

    Afternoon Tea at the Ante-partum Unit

    by Myg on November 24, 2008

    Everything is still status quo, but it’s Monday and I’m not going home from the hospital today. Probably not tomorrow either.

    This mostly boils down, once again, to what I call my “clusterfuck of life timing” issue. Because I am having preterm contractions now at this moment, when we – me & the boys – are only 26 weeks and 5 days along, and because of my positive Fetal Fibronectin test, the medical team is understandably nervous about sending me home.

    Now, they would have sent me home if I could take Procardia, a medication that stops contractions, but I seem to react badly to it. I tried to take another low dose this afternoon but within 15 minutes I had heart palpitations that made me feel like I was in a full blown panic. Man did that suck. There are other medications they can use to stop contractions, but none of them look like a good long-term bet for me right now, so I think the plan is to just watch me here and make sure I don’t go into labor.

    They will probably keep me here until we hit 28 weeks, which would be next Wedneday. At that point they said they might be more comfortable with “watch and wait” at home. But we’ll see. As I now know, anything can happen in a week.

    I am pretty okay with this plan, as much as I want to go home. I’d rather be bored here than home biting my damn nails over every flutter or tightening in my belly. We’ve come a long way to get to this point and I will do anything, anything at all to keep the guys in there gestating for as long as possible.

    A little while ago a 14 year old Chaplain (okay, maybe she was 26?) came in and asked me if I wanted her to pray over me. It was so awkward, but I felt bad for her so I said okay. She rambled a little, “Um, God, um, heavenly father, dear Lord um please be with um Amy here today…” and I tried to look serious – but it really wasn’t easy.

    Besides that, they brought me a cannoli and a cream puff this afternoon and asked me if I wanted tea or coffee. And the pastries? They were totally edible!

    As long as wireless holds and the boys stay put, we’re doing just fine.

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    Waiting for you. Week 24.

    by Myg on November 14, 2008

    It’s getting serious now. Ladies and gentlemen, we have crossed into the realm of viability. Well, they have anyway.

    Now, of course you don’t want to have your babies this early because the consequences are too often dire. But something happens in your brain when you realize the tiny creatures duking it out in your belly could potentially get along without you. With tons upon tons of medical technology in that case, sure. But the idea that they can potentially survive without you, well, that’s a tad bit mind blowing.

    Wanna see what they look like? Sure you do!

    Bing! 24 weeks

    That’s my boy Bing. I’m telling you, he’s got my nose. I can tell. At the time of this ultrasound he was 1lb 8oz.

    Doot! 24 Weeks

    This is my other bundle, Doot. Look closely. You can see the chambers of his heart! It’s that area with the dark kidney bean looking thing sort of to the right, midway up. It’s big and powerful, just like his Dad’s. He’s 1lb 8 ozs and a real kicker. Kapow!

    So what did my boys accomplish this week?

    • Faces! See? That’s how I know Bing has my nose.
    • Fingernails!
    • Testicles! Say it with me now – Testicles!
    • Lungs! The wee airbags keep growing and here’s where we want a lot of good progress.
    • REM! No, not as in “It’s the end of the world as we know it” but rather the whole rapid eye movement thing itself. Why this matters, I can’t say. Are they dreaming? Can you imagine what their dreams would be like? Woosh, woosh, poke, kick, growl, float, poke, woosh. That’s all I can come up with.
    • Still moving a lot in there. Especially after meals, when just maybe I’d rather they chill so my squashed stomach has a fighting chance to do its job. Right now my poor gut feels like a mishapen shrunken ziploc half turned inside out and stuffed in the corner of a shoe that’s got someone else’s foot in it. Not good, in other words.

    How am I?

    • Um…
    • Trying to keep a good attitude, but with the chronic pain thing, it’s not easy. I am always on and on about my back pain so I feel like a dolt recounting it here, yet again. Let me just say it’s not better.
    • How about pain in my left side and the top of my abdomen? Can I talk about that? The top of my belly, just under my boobs, on the left side feels so tender to the touch – like I got punched there. Hey – maybe I did! I feel like I’m being ripped apart sometimes.
    • Hello, Braxton Hicks! I’m beginning to notice these painless “practice” contractions a lot now. Enough so I’m tracking them because as I mentioned above, I do NOT want these guys to come early if I can help it. I started noticing these often enough that I called the doctor’s office (“Hey, it’s me again! How’s it going?”) They are not worried, but said if I get more than 6 in an hour, to call back. I haven’t.
    • Thinking about going out on leave early. Why? Pain. I had planned to work until the bitter end, finish my grants, and then cut loose. But I’m finding that a) I don’t think that’s possible given how I feel. and b) It’s not at all necessary.
    • The more I do, the worse I feel – it’s that simple. If I can be mildly active (you know, walking all by myself to the john, showering, and maybe *maybe* doing a load of dishes) and then lay down a lot during the day I feel best.  I felt bad about this – like I was lazy or something – until I got this book: When You’re Expecting Twins, Triplets, or Quads, Revised Edition: Proven Guidelines for a Healthy Multiple Pregnancy. According to the doctor expert in this book, they recommend many women pregnant with multiples leave work at 24 weeks, and most by 28 weeks. My doctor(s) haven’t talked at all about this yet, but given how awful I feel just sitting half a day at a desk, I have to say I am all for it.  My boss is all for it too and that simply ROCKS. Now I just need to see what my doctors say when I go back next week. God, I hope they’re for it too. It’s not that I can’t work from home. It’s that I can’t THINK very well about work right now. I just want to rest and keep myself mildly entertained. Is that too much to ask?

    On top of all of this, I have to tell you how relieved that I live in NJ! Why? I am eligible for Temporary Disability Insurance for all the pregnancy medical related stuff (we pay into it like unemployment insurance here) AND up to 24 weeks of combined Family Leave from the federal Family Medical Leave Act and the extra oh so special NJ Family Leave Act for after the babies are born. ALL WITH PAY AND BENEFITS.

    I love, love, love you, socialist NJ. Now if only we could work on the traffic around here.

    { 5 comments }

    Waiting for you. Week 21.

    by Ms. Myg on October 24, 2008

    I’ve picked up a bad habit – reading the blogs of other mothers, some of whom have some really, really awful stories to tell. But, oh! These blogs are good. The writing is good, the people are good, the stories are real. You can’t beat good blogging. It’s the new indie rock.

    I found two of these new mom blogs because many women bloggers have, quite understandably, flipped the fuck out over John McCain’s assinine comments during the last debate about “health” of the mother being an “excuse” (I really wish I could render McCain’s sarcastic wrinkly finger wagging air-quote gesture in print somehow) that “pro-abortion” proponents use for protecting women’s reproductive rights.

    The blogger backlash led me first to Uppercase Woman, by Philadelphia writer Cecily Kellogg. I’m now undoubtedly hooked, and the timing couldn’t be worse.  Why?  Well, Cecily was pregnant with twin boys four years ago, during the last presidential election. She had severe pre-eclampsia, diagnosed in week 22 (EXACTLY WHERE I AM RIGHT FUCKING NOW, btw) and lost both of them, four years ago this coming Sunday. But the story is even worse than that – worse than just “losing them.” She had to have a late term abortion after one of them died in utero and she was in danger of dying herself.

    The other new mom blog I found is by a woman named Alexa at Flotsam. She shares another harrowing, god fucking awful tale about complications in her twin pregnancy. Her twin son had died from some mystery infection in utero and she ended up delivering her daughter at 25 weeks (she continues to blog about her daughter’s progress). Damn, damn, damn.

    See why I shouldn’t be reading this shit right about now? But I have, so now I subject you as well.  Please, if you can stomach the kind of grief and heartache women face every day with this shit, read their stories. But for GOD’S SAKE, NOT IF YOU’RE PREGNANT! Especially NOT if you are pregnant with twins, like me! Wait until those little bugs are out here raising hell, at least.

    But, if you are willing and able, here’s Cecily’s response to McCain and the recap of her story. (Scroll down to the bottom of the page to start from the beginning – there are a bunch of posts related to it.) Cecily, I know you’re dealing with some strong anniversary reactions right now and a lot of grief. Much love to you, fellow stranger.  Alexa Flotsam’s story is here, and it is equally powerful.

    When you take 30 seconds to consider the reality for women who have to endure something as atrocious as the death of her unborn child or children at that stage of development, I hope you feel a very hard slap in the face. I hope it hurts. And by you I don’t just mean John McCain or Sarah Palin or any other so-called “pro-lifer” out there. I mean all of us. We all need to feel a little pain when considering how these kinds of issues become political footballs among the majority of us who will never have to face this specific brand of agony. But perhaps if we all hurt a little more for these brave, loving women, we might collectively come to our senses regarding the safeguarding of, yes, women’s HEALTH.

    Glad I got that off my chest. It has been no small amount of emotional workout to keep my anxiety in check after reading those stories.

    After reading a bit about all that can go so desperately wrong at this stage, I freaked out and called the nurse practitioner coordinator person at my OB/GYN’s office. This is the first time during my pregnancy where I’ve had to wait more than two weeks to see a doctor in person. Given a few things, like a) Cecily’s story, wherein she had severe pre-eclampsia at 22 weeks and was virtually asymptomatic and b) women who’ve undergone IVF are twice as likely to have pre-eclampsia and c) I was still unsure if I was feeling the boys move enough, or in the right way and d) I didn’t have a glucose challenge test scheduled yet and e) after my last ultrasound, it was not recommended I come in after two weeks for a new cervical length check like they wanted me to at weeks 18 and 16, I had some questions.

    “Wow, that was a thorough voicemail!” she laughed when she called me back. Damn straight it was. I’m a social worker. I work in the health care industry, though off to the side now. I know that doctors, nurses, all sorts of medical professionals fuck up. Not intentionally, but in a “we’re so, so, so overworked” kind of way. They follow protocols more than instincts, and treatment protocols are dictated by insurance companies who have the ultimate goal of saving bucks, not you. Often these are tailor made for the general population and don’t fit your specifics. So yeah, I had questions.

    And you know what? I was okay with her answers, which were that a) they’ve been checking my urine and blood pressure for early signs of pre-eclampsia and everything looked great – they really were not worried at this stage. b) I’d get the referral for the glucose challenge test (to check for gestational diabetes) at my next visit. c) What I described over the phone as possibly the movement of the boys sounded like it was indeed movement, not bad gas, and if I was worried at all, to come in and they’d check on me. And to call if I had any worries or concerns at all. I was okay with that, and since that day I feel them moving a lot more. Though I still swear it feels like gas in the wrong part of my body.

    Anyway, you want to know how the kids are? This is what they say about week 21:

    • They are plumping up like little turkeys in there, baking away and packing on the pounds. Like mother, like sons.
    • They are wrinkly like prunes or like your grandpa’s ass, perhaps. Depends on your grandpa.
    • They are sucking their thumbs! Man that’s so cute to think about I can hardly stand it.
    • They do seem to be wriggling around a lot in there now, as though to say, “Mom, look, you’ve got to get a grip on yourself!” after my agonizing and worrying about it.

    As for me? I’m just great, just:

    • IN PAIN! My back hurts. Oh, it hurts. It hurts a lot. But the good part is that it’s a new kind of hurt, not that same old boring hurt I had from guitar injuries. And the other blessing, seriously, is that about 5 minutes of back rub in the right spot does give me relief for about an hour. How I suffer depends on what I do.
    • Worried. Ah, sigh. What can I do? I go back to the doctor on 11/5, unless I really just can’t deal with it. Then I’ll go back earlier to hear the heartbeats and reassure myself I’m not really that gassy.
    • Did someone say gassy? Hullo, constipation? Upping my rations of Rasin Bran this week.
    • Big. And getting bigger, it seems, by the day.
    • Limited in my activities. This is self-imposed, due to my back pain (see aforementioned bullet 1). If I stand long enough to get my hair dry, I’m in pain. Fucking ridiculous. I know, my belly is big and heavy and yes, teeming with life. My back muscles are not up to it, at all. I do have a massage scheduled for tomorrow. I know that’s going to help, and my appointment with my back doctor is on the calendar. So hopefully I can do things like unload the dishwasher and fold laundry again shortly. Yeah, I’m really hoping for that.

    You know what else? I seriously can’t wait for this election to be over. I hope, oh how I hope, that Obama does it. I hope he gets in and whips the government back into shape. I think he can. I think we can. But god am I tired of the election. I’m just tired of it.

    And you know what else, else?

    I still love being pregnant.

    Check back in another 15 weeks and see if I’m still saying that.

    Blogged with the Flock Browser

    { 4 comments }

    Waiting for you. Week 17.

    by Ms. Myg on September 29, 2008

    Wow, this is getting a little bit hard to keep up with. Sorry but I must admit to posting this one a few days late. I won’t give up though.

    Week 17 was weird for me. For the first time since I got pregnant I had a really busy work week. I am a trainer, meaning, I provide workshops for adults on a bunch of topics related to teens and mental health – but really meaning I spend a lot of my time “working” being in front of large groups of people on my feet. I had a few long drives and several days of all day training. And it just flat out sucked.

    I didn’t think it would be so hard at this point. I thought I could make it through October – and it’s not even October yet. Needless to say, I tried to book myself out in October to save as much cash as I can before this mainstay of my income dries up. Now as much as I need the dough, I am really regretting that.

    This week I felt things really start to shift in my body. I had a lot of outward pressure from my uterus – and not baby movements. Just pressure. Like “should I worry about this?” kind of pressure. After two full days of training, I actually had some cramping in the lower part of my abdomen, like menstrual cramps, and lower back pain. I hadn’t had that since early in the first trimester so that worried me. I took a half day and spent a lot of it just doing nothing, which seemed to help.

    I also have this totally annoying thing where I have extra breast tissue growing in my right armpit. Gross, I know, right? The thing is – it’s not only gross. It HURTS. I am actually going to see my doc tomorrow because I want to make sure I don’t have an infection or anything like that. I am sure that there are some of you saying, “Hey, I have that too,” because I’ve mentioned this problem to about three other women, and they ALL said that had it too. So why the hell did I never hear about it before if it’s so common? And why the hell is it so common? Breast tissue belongs in the breast, right? Not the armpit. WTF, mother nature?

    I’m not saying the pregnancy honeymoon is over. God, I hope not because I know it’s going to get a lot worse than this! But I will say this week was physically more unpleasant than last. It is pregnancy, after all, not a pedicure.

    The two little guys growing inside of me seem to be doing A-OK. I’ve had just two instances of feeling baby movements. The first was a tiny flutter that I thought was gas – but this time, it wasn’t. The second was a little “tap tap tap” that I felt, almost like somebody was knocking on the wall of my abdomen to say “Um, is anybody out there? Hellooooo?” It was fairly awesome, but quick. I anxiously wait to feel something like it again. It’s been a few days and no dice.

    Conventional Pregnancy Calendar Wisdom tells me that my boys are:

    • Somewhere around 5 inches in length. I’m not sure what I feel about that. Seriously.
    • Getting that adorable squishy stuff known as “baby fat” and I’m helping them right along in that department with the conspicuous amounts of chocolate ice cream I eat nearly every night. They need it to stay warm, after all.
    • Able to hear loud noises, so I should start getting them ready now for punk rock I imagine.
    • Growing skeletons. Just in time for Halloween!

    And I am:

    • Achy. But I don’t want to complain about this because, well, I’ve got a ways to go.
    • Not able to work as much as I once was. It’s not even the fatigue as much as it just sucks physically. Like it sort of hurts to work. Ha ha ha – no, I’m serious. My body isn’t into it at all.
    • Really preoccupied with feeling my babies move and wondering why I’m not feeling it more. Patience was never my thing. I know, I know, I’m going to have to learn real damn fast.

    Why do I get the feeling that it’ll be week 20 before I ever get the chance to write about week 18? Time is going scarily fast, and well, yeah. This pregnancy thing is getting realer all the time. I’ll just leave it there for now.

    { 4 comments }