This blog. Ah.
My boys are 9 months and 3 weeks old today. They are in a magic phase where every mundane little thing sparkles, boo boos can be healed in seconds with a kiss and a hug, and little arms start to reach for me when I come into the room in that heart exploding “I want Mommy” way. I know every developmental phase has its perks, but this one I think is really special and will stay with me in a way that the newborn phase or the six month old phase probably won’t.
And all that is to tell you, I just don’t want to work. I want to be home with them so badly it just hurts. That’s what we planned on, it’s what I said I was going to do months ago and it’s what I always intended, but it is not what is.
I’ve been thinking a whole lot about my career in the past few months. I’ve been beating myself senseless over my lack of direction, focus and commitment. I’ve hit a professional ceiling, not because I’m at the limit of my skills or abilities. I’m stuck because I’m doing something I just don’t want to do right now. But I have to.
It’s a strange problem, you know? Pick a career path you think you’ll love. End up not loving it. Have babies in the middle of an economic melt down. s/s Be grateful you can go back to it so you can keep the family afloat. Resent it. 
| (D.S. al coda to the be grateful part through the resent it part. Repeat daily forever and ever.)
I don’t feel well. I have a cold. And I am upset right now about all of this.
I want to be home with my kids. My husband wants me to be home with my kids. But I just can’t be right now.
And that really sucks. EFF you, economy.
{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
What a tough situation. I was actually talking to a friend about a similar topic this week. Having children completely changes your perspective on EVERYTHING – including how you feel about your job / career. Keep soul searching and hopefully you’ll find a solution.
~ humps
Thanks. I really need to stop complaining about it though. I think the complaining makes me feel worse in the end! At least we can keep a roof over our heads and food on the table – that’s the important stuff. We’re all healthy, we’re all here. I guess you get these ideas about what you want to do and when things turn out differently, you either make the best of it or bitch about it. I seem to flip back and forth a lot between the two attitudes. That’s the blogging thing, I guess. The place I let it all hang out.