It was one of those Very Shitty Days when neither baby would take a significant nap, which wasn’t the worst part, the worst part being that the longer they went without napping, the more wretched their moods became. They take after me, after all.
It got so bad today I had to just put them down in their cribs, screaming, and walk away. I was actually getting pissed off. Like, at them. There’s little that I’ve experienced in the world that compares with the feeling of being pissed off at them, either. I mean come on. They’re babies. How do you get pissed off at babies? It’s not like they like being miserable and overtired. But today there was something about the persistent double whining, uhhnnn uhhhhnnnn ggggnnnuuuuhhh mmgggnnnuuuuhhh, lasting hours upon hours, a tide I could not with my best mommy tricks stem, getting louder and louder and, could it get louder? Oh yes! It could! Until it crescendoed all the way into desperate double wails of misery. And then the coughing, sputtering, choking on the cries. Jesus Maria and Jose already.
When I felt that anger well up inside of me I had to just walk away. Had to. Because for a second there I got desperate myself, and in that second I could glimpse into the world of a child abuser, no lie.
It scared me.
(And many thanks to those of you out there on Twitter who provided me much needed back-up in the midst of my angst; this means you @Jells, @averygoodyear, @mommyisrocknrol.)
To compound matters, their father is escaping this weekend again to work on his MFA thesis, which is due 8/3. He’s panicking about getting it all perfect, of course, while I’m panicking about being left alone with my sons for 48 hours. I feel no small amount of pathetic for that, either. Which leads me to the truth about twins.
Twins are really, really, really, really hard.
A friend of mine is the father of 22 year old boy twins and when I was pregnant he warned me that having twins would kick my ass. Ha ha, I’m sure, I said.
A few months ago I told him, I know you said it would kick my ass, but shit, this is really kicking my ass hard. I’ve been around, done a lot of things. I’ve worked in psych hospitals, crisis centers, juvenile detention, toured in a rock band. Did a lot of hardcore stuff, you know? This doesn’t come close to any of that.
He said, My dear, I was in COMBAT in Viet fucking Nam. Having twins? Harder.
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Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get it all out. I feel for you. Seriously. Despite needing to finish this work, I don’t want to leave you for 48 hours. It does not feel like a fair escape. It feels like I’m deserting the unit. I’ll have to ask your friend about that.
The other truth about twins? They fucking rule. Okay, yeah, having a baby of your own is the greatest thing, you parents out there know that. But let me say this: You think it’s cool when a baby smiles at you? That’s nothing compared to when they smile at each other, and then turn and smile at you in tandem. You think it’s great to see one baby learn something? Nothing compared to seeing one learn it, then the other learn by watching the first one. I can only guess what it will be like to see them teach each other things. Uh oh… I just realized whose kids these are. I think we’re in for a roller coaster of Kingda Ka proportions.
I can’t even imagine having twins. I can’t imagine how much work it must be. And the image of them smiling as Alex describes, well… that’s also pretty amazing. Just having one baby has kicked our asses pretty badly at times, and it feels like only now, 5 months into it, all three of us are starting to understand one another. Which is good, because there have been many, many, MANY days I pondered getting a divorce
Yeah, well they are really extra double good amazing. I just wasn’t there in that amazing place today. I was in the OHSHITFUCKMEIMFUCKED place. And that divorce thing? Well, hey, having kids certainly strains the marriage, and having two at once is that much harder on the marriage, but then your partner becomes that much more indispensable, LUCKY FOR HIM.
I choose to forget I read this post, and just focus on the cute baby pic at the top. Denial much?!?
Hope your day gets better.
Just wanted to say that I could have written this post myself a few days ago. There’s nothing like two babies screaming at you for an hour (or more) to set every nerve on edge. The worst for me is when one is really upset and screaming and the other one seems to just be crying because it’s the thing to do.
mam, you know you can always text or call me too. ( I cant find u on twitter, dammit). What you experiences, that anger/fear cocktail…it sucks…its normal…it sucks…it is scary. I would rock Justin for hours and he would just scream. I’d cry i was so angry. Why won’t you sleep…ever!!! with 2…I guess you are getting paid back 2 fold! But you do get double the love. Deep breathing, all you can do. Love you mamy.
SuSu
Oh dude. Twins? I would probably develop a really nasty vodka/xanax cocktail to get me through the day. Which would, you know, be sort of bad.
Dude. Can I just tell you how much I fracking heart you. Cake Wrecks united us. Internet BFF’s! FOREVER.
(at least in my head)
Being hung up by your toenails and beaten with a shovel is nothing compared to having twins. Mine are now 9, going on 30, and it has been the hardest and most grueling thing I’ve ever had to do. Don’t get me wrong, they’re a joy and all that crap, but good Christ, they almost killed me. The only advice I can offer, or words of wisdom I have is, take lots of deep breaths, walk away when you need to and always wash down your coffee with vodka.
seriously….just wait until they can walk….and climb….oh god just wait until they can climb…..