The fine line between bravery and stupidity

So, I am thinking that I will tell my boss tomorrow that as of the end of the summer, I quit.

It’s something that Alex and I have long discussed. It’s something I really, really want to do. Only problem is, my job is our only reliable income right now, and our means to health insurance.

See the problem?

Alex has taken the teaching certificate exam and has applied to about every school district in the county for a position. He’s working to get his thesis finished so he’ll have his MFA in the fall. But he’s got no actual job leads as of yet and hiring season for schools ends somewhere around the end of June. That’s just a few weeks away.

Right about now, you may be wondering why I don’t just keep my job until he finds one, and then quit.

The reason is that I work on grant-funded projects. That means when there’s funding for the grant, there’s a job. These grants happen to come from the State of NJ, and the State of NJ is in deep trouble with its budget this year. My grants run out at the end of August. To get my funding renewed in September would take no small amount of maneuvering by my boss and my state contact.

I really, really love my boss. She’s a great person aside from a great boss, and she’s already stressing out over finding me enough work to keep me on staff so I keep my salary and benefits. And so far, I’ve just been all, “Uh huh, yeah, I plan to keep working. I need the money. I need the health insurance.”

But deep down I feel guilty, because I’ve known all along that if Alex gets a job, I’m going to quit. And if I quit, finding someone to do what I do will not be easy, because it’s a super tight niche kind of job, and not a ton of people want to work part-time, like I do. So telling my boss I plan to stick around and then ditching after she’s gotten a grant would be bad form.

So then, why don’t I just work and if Alex finds a job, stick the kids in daycare for three days a week (the days I work)?

Do you know what it costs to put 8 month old twins in daycare for 3 days a week? About $450 a week. That’s about $1800 a month. That’s a mortgage payment. I’d be working 70% of my hours for health insurance and daycare alone. That would just piss me off.

So then maybe Alex should forget teaching and be a SAHD? The thought has crossed my mind.

But.

Alex is trying to launch a new career right now, and he did not go through graduate school to stay home and change diapers, not that he minds doing that at all. In fact, he’s doing it right now as I type this (from work, my bad) and he’s doing a phenomenal job of it. But, my god we went into a ton of debt so he could do this graduate program. And he put all of that time and hard work in so he could be out there doing something he loves to do, largely so I could be home raising our kids. Because that’s what we both wanted.

I have a career, but I don’t give much of a rat’s ass about it anymore. It is a perfectly nice career, don’t get me wrong. With it I’ve been the primary breadwinner and at times the sole income provider. I’m proud that I’ve kept us well enough provided for. I can keep going. I can keep working. I can keep this job going, or go back into private practice, and/or ramp up my training/consultation business. I can make money, yes, I can, even in trying economic times.

But.

My boys are babies now. They need me now. They’re growing up so fast, and when this time in their lives is gone, it’s gone forever.

So here’s my dilemma.

We are in TRYING ECONOMIC TIMES, right? (See previous mentions of “clusterfuck of life timing” here and here.)

If one were so very lucky enough to have a great part time job with full benefits, vested pension, make-your-own hours that was 15 minutes from one’s home, that could possibly continue with some maneuvering, and if one loved one’s boss on top of it, why oh why would one even consider leaving?

Especially when

a. one lived during TRYING ECONOMIC TIMES

b. one had an unemployed spouse

c. one had new twin infants and was in dire need of health coverage?

God, when I lay it out like that it seems INSANE to quit.

But. It bears repeating.

My boys are babies now. They need me now. They’re growing up so fast, and when this time in their lives is gone, it’s gone forever.

Forever.

And it’s that forever part that makes me think, yeah.

I’m going to quit my job tomorrow.