WEEK 20! OH MY GOD OH MY GOD!
That’s how I thought I’d feel, anyway. It’s a pregnancy milestone, right? The coveted half way point of your average full term pregnancy, a little more than that for us twin carriers. I’d long said to myself, “When I hit 20 weeks, I’m going to feel like this thing is really on.” But the 20 week mark came and went for me without any huge “Aaaaahhhh” moment.
I wonder if most moms-to-be have a particular moment during pregnancy when they go, “Holy shit – this little alien is going to be outside of my body and I’m going to have to deal with it!” I thought since the beginning of pregnancy that 20 weeks would be the point that happened. But if you’ve read this blog for the past month, you might recall that it actually happened at week 16. That was the week I woke up and realized I was going to be somebody’s mom. Two somebodies.
Week twenty did bring with it a surprisingly gruelling ultrasound session, one in which the tech marked down every single length of every bone in each of my boys’ bodies. You know what? That was a pain in the ass. It took like an hour and a half, and then the doctor had to come in and try to get better picture’s of Bing’s heart, because they like to get 8 views, and in his position they could only get 1. “It looks beautiful-perfect-in the one view, but we’d like to get at least a few more.” In what could be a sign of things to come, Bing said, “Screw you guys for interrupting my nap with your pesky technology” and would not offer himself up for a better view. The doctor said better luck next time and not to worry. So for once, I won’t!
At this point, it looks like Bing is a teeny bit bigger than Doot. The doctor said it wasn’t a difference that they were worried about because it’s a very small difference. Do you ever wonder how doctors do it? How they worry so little? They must practice.
However, I know that with twins, you do have to worry about one growing bigger than the other, so I’d rather at this point they were more or less the EXACT SAME SIZE. Is that too much to ask? Ah well, I suppose it’s one of the ways they’re asserting their individuality. No doubt one will have a mohawk in the third grade, while the other will be playing the violin. I do know that during the ultrasound Bing was caught kicking Doot. We’ll have a little chat about that when they get here. No kicking your brother just because he’s a mm shorter!
Other things my boys are up to in week 20:
- Growing! I don’t know why, but the ultrasound pics I have include magnification and other tech specs, but don’t put my babies’ size or weights down anywhere. Like, why do I care about Hz? I want to know about them. Internet wisdom and the Mayo Clinic tell my my boys are nearly 6 inches and half a pound each. My insides tell me they’re growing all the time.
- They are now noticeable. I mean to me. The movement I feel with them feels nothing like “popcorn popping” or “soda bubbles” or anything cute like that, that most people tell you it feels like. So much different, I didn’t understand I’ve been feeling them move for awhile now because I couldn’t recognize what it felt like. I normally don’t feel their kicks and punches, per se. I have felt them, I think, and can only imagine I will soon feel them regularly. Instead, what I feel is a sensation of my insides moving around. It feels more like my organs are migrating or as though I have indigestion in the wrong part of my body, to be honest. It feels like “there something IN there!” It’s not uncomfortable, except one night when I’m fairly sure Doot kicked me in the stomach and I woke up with a mouth full of stomach acid. I thought I was going to puke. I didn’t. Rah!
My week?
- Working SUCKS! I actually have a really nice job. Anyone would envy my job, if only it wasn’t going away. But a large part of my job is to train people, meaning to stand up in front of groups of people and tell them all I know about various subjects. Ego strokes galore, it’s a nice thing for someone like me who likes that stuff. Thing is, my fuckin feet hurt! Who knew I couldn’t think sitting on my ass? Who knew being pregnant and off coffee would be such a drag on my training style? One thing I hate is doing something I love half assed. I’ll cook half assed or clean half assed, but gas bagging? I want to blow everyone out of the water. I can’t do that now, plus, my body really hurts if I stand for too long.
- I can’t bend down too well. Oh, and I’ve started to waddle. Hat tip to Cheryl Lage again, who dutifully warns of this in Twinspiration. The saddest part of my newfound physical limits is the toll it’s taken on playing with Mason-the world’s cutest and most amazing dog. I can’t bend down, over and over and over, to pick up the slimy toy and throw it to him. And he has yet to learn how to bring it to me without dropping it on the ground. Good boy! That reminds me, here’s the gratuitous adorable dog picture (yes, from puppy years – I need to take some good new pics):
Mason at 13 weeks old
- Emotional. I cry! Wow, do I cry. Sometimes in the middle of the night I cry without any actual good reason. I am also a bit clingy. I am lucky because Alex is nothing if not patient with me and my profound emotional neediness during this time. Okay, writing this is making me cry. See what I mean?
- Sleep, I miss you so, so, so, so much. It’s going to be a long year or so for me I realize. I am trying to accept it. I do sleep, but I am not able to sleep as soundly as I once did. And I’m not able to sleep for as many hours either. I have been obsessively worried about sleeping on my back, as I still find that I roll onto my back in the night. I had lunch with a friend of mine today – a mother of 7 year old twins – who admitted she slept on her back the whole time. “It was the only way I could sleep at all.” That made me feel a little better.
And a bunch of other stuff, but my absent mindedness and ever present tiredness prevent me from thinking of what it is. Sorry!
In other news, one of my favorite pregnant bloggers, Amy of Amalah.com had her new baby boy! For super special adorable newborn pics, head on over here. They made me cry, of course. But in a really, really good way. Congrats to you Amy. I’m not long behind!
{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }
Congrats on 20 weeks! So funny about the talk with Bing about not kicking Doot. And I have to say that you sound remarkably chipper despite the preggy tolls. Those crazy hormones: I used to cry at any even remotely cheesy commercial. And I felt very vulnerable, somehow, and needy, too. And my feet hurt so bad that I could barely walk, though it went away after. But unlike you, I was seriously grouchy. So you get major gold stars for your positive attitude.
Btw, do you have a body pillow? That’s the only way I could get any sleep at all…
Yes, that body pillow is so awesome I want to bring it to the office so mid day I can crawl under my desk with it. I have a hard time leaving the house without it!
I may sound like my attitude is a lot better than it is, actually. But rather than grouchy I find I am more tearful and anxious a lot of the time. I think that besides hormones – Estrogen is having a serious resurgence right about now – it’s lack of sleep. Sometimes before bed I just lay there and literally SOB. It’s not because I saw a schmaltzy commercial or something though. A lot of it is crying over things that I’m anxious about or things that are painful childhood memories for me. It feels a little like transient depression, actually. The good thing is that my mood is ok most of the time. But I’m having these moments throughout my day where I just fall apart.
Luckily for me, I am no stranger to this kind of thing, so I’m not real worried about myself in that regard. I am more worried about post-partum depression and have good reasons to think I may be at high risk for it. But hey, I figure if I’m aware of the possibility now I can plan ahead to cope with it.
It’s good to learn about PPD and to be prepared. I had it, and so did several other people in my circle of friends. So listen, if you ever want to chat about it, I’m here for you.
And please know that the falling-apart/sobbing moments during pregnancy are very common. Everything can be so surreal, you know? It’s a strange time. Hugs to you.
20 weeks is such a milestone…and truly, I make the microcosmic comparison to folks’ angst about turning 40…there’s simply something emotionally overstimulating about the idea of “mid-way.”
You do sound remarkably upbeat (despite the sobbing, which I’d actually be concerned if you weren’t hyperemotional…think it’s far more normal than abnormal to bawl at ALL possible tear-inducers.)
Good for you for the heads-up awareness on the PPD possibility. I’m so not a doctor, but I do remember reading somewhere that multiples mamas are more susceptible for the sheer excess of hormones and chemical intensity.
Hang in there…rooting for you!
Thanks to both of you for the encouragement. Cheryl, it’s funny that you mention the angst of turning 40 because I will turn 40 about a month after the boys arrive, and I’ve been wondering a lot whether I’ll even notice. I kind of hope not! Otherwise it would be a huge birthday for me, and not in a good way. When I turned 30, I couldn’t get out of bed for three days. My husband had to get my mother on the phone to yell at me “ARE YOU CRAZY? Your thirties will be some of the best times of your life!” Which was true and worked, by the way!
I am expecting post-partum because I had some pretty crushing depression after my two failed IVF attempts, and in my bones I know that was largely due to the flux in hormones. As far as I know there’s not much I can do to prevent it, but I am preparing myself to be on the lookout for it, and I know if it happens I’ll get through it.
Thanks again for the support!